I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
