Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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