im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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