Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
