i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
