its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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