I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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