Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Randomize
