I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
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