Your dad touched me again.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
