just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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