Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
