we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
