I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
