But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
why is half of my head shaved?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
