So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
