Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
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Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
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I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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