My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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