Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
