I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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