just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
