I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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