she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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