eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
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Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
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My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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