just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
