Will you blow on my dice?
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
