Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
