Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
