why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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