On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Randomize
