I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
