pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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