I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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