I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
