Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
