my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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