I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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