I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
