I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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