omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
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