There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
