i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
