Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
