I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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