so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
