Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Randomize
