i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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