Where is the hickey?
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
