I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
