Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
