Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
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I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
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I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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