turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
