I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
