why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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