I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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