I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
