Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
