Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
